DEAR DR. JENNE,
Every time my boyfriend and I have a fight he stops talking to me. I’m not talking about the kind of thing people do, I need to calm down for a minute. He ignores me completely. I call his name, ask him a question, try to get his attention and he doesn’t even look up! He drives me crazy! WTF ?! What is it and how do you stop it? –Sick of silent treatment
DEAR SILENT TREATMENT,
It looks like a classic case of stonewalling. Stonewalling is when a person puts up a verbal and emotional wall and refuses to engage. There are many ways to stonewall.
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Ignore the other person, even when spoken to / Perform the silent treatment
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Abandon the usual “a-ha’s” and “hmms” of normal conversation
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Monosyllabic whispers
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Changing the subject
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Say the same thing over and over again
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Disappear for long periods of time
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Acts cold and impenetrable
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Avoid eye contact
All of this makes any dialogue impossible and prevents couples from having the ability to communicate and solve problems. It’s absolute poison for a relationship. In fact, relationship researcher John Gottman, who is best known for his ability to predict divorce with 94% accuracy, says obstruction is the biggest predictor of divorce.
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Research shows that 85% of stonewallers are men. The reason is that men have been shown to be more physiologically responsive to emotional stimulation. In other words, they are more easily overwhelmed. Research also shows that during conflict, a man’s pulse and blood pressure are much more likely to increase than a woman’s. This physiological disadvantage makes men more prone to obstruction. (That’s not to say that there aren’t women standing in the way in a relationship. Lots of women do and I’ve seen my share of blockages in same-sex relationships as well.)
Most men don’t even realize that this protective mechanism is incredibly toxic to their relationships. But given how destructive this behavior is, it’s important for your boyfriend to understand why he’s doing this and what the effects are. He might have been doing this his whole life, or even growing up in a family where people do, and thinks that’s how you’re supposed to handle conflict in a relationship. He may not be educated on the best ways to communicate. (Step one: Direct him to this article or to a TedTalk on the topic.)
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If he’s willing to work to change that behavior, here are a few things he can do:
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Recognize when they feel overwhelmed during a discussion
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Periodically check his heart rate during an emotional argument
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Take 20-30 minutes to calm down if things get too hot in a discussion
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Approach conflict discussions with sensitivity and gentleness
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Make a pact to speak through conflict and not give up, even if you need to take a break from a heated discussion
Once you have had a conversation about what obstruction is and why it is so bad for the relationship, when it happens you can gently remind your partner that you have both agreed not to obstruct. your relationship. It’s also important to gently let your partner know that it’s not OK to do this (“Hey Ryan, I know this is a really overwhelming conversation, but you made a commitment not to do this and it’s not OK. ”) Once both people are aware of the behavior and how harmful it is, they are usually very motivated to turn off the behavior so that their relationship can get better.
In Bump dayAward-winning psychotherapist and television host Dr. Jenn Mann answers your questions about sex and relationships, without judgment or filters.
